The voice of professional surfer Joe Turpel, star of the reality show “The Ultimate Surfer”; collide with fame, fortune, cocaine addiction!


Oooh, first challenge! Combined tours! We learn so much here about surfing. They must make several different turns, but also connected to each other. Complicated.

In this episode: Fourteen people apparently able to surf arrive at the Surf Ranch. They’re going to surf. In addition, there is the drama and intrigue of roommates. Two surfers are eliminated at the end, which is very sad.

welcome to BeachGritthe official cover of The ultimate surfer. Apparently I’m writing this thing for you. I’ll try to make it fun.

Unless you’ve lived under a rock or on a desert island, you know that The ultimate surfer is a reality TV show.

Fourteen surfers compete for prizes by surfing (duh) and doing random challenges.

Price? Money. Wildcard entries into World Championship Tour events next year.

Attractive, and perhaps worth the inevitable humiliations to come. Because if there’s one thing I know about reality TV, and I admit it, I don’t know much, there will certainly be humiliations galore.

Oh yes, yes, this is all a terrible sale of our wonderful beloved past. I’m wringing my hands so hard right now.

But really, surfing has been sold over and over again, decade after decade, long before any of us showed up. I’m pretty sure he’ll be exhausted again and again long after we’re gone.

In truth, I have found it helpful to separate surfing as a media artifact from surfing, which is what I do at the beach. This way of thinking has given me a lot of pleasure and happiness.

You may find this approach helpful. Life is shitty and difficult sometimes, and I firmly believe in laughing at any nonsense that comes my way.

The ultimate surfer takes place at the Surf Ranch, which is now familiar, and perhaps a little too familiar. The Surf Ranch is in California’s Central Valley, and a giant wooden palisade with a fence surrounds the 700-meter pool. There is no entry – and no exit.

The heat, the high fence, the concrete, the tasty mix of industrial agriculture and chlorine in the air: it’s all so wonderful, really, if claustrophobia is your problem.

Episode 1 ! Here we are!

Surf porn at the ranch! Yes, omg, six foot and glassy every time! It’s totally fictitious. Sometimes it’s on the ground. You can’t cheat on me.

Opening interviews, and everyone wants to be the best. If you’ve always wanted to hear more post-heat interviews, this is for you! The retro guitar plays in the background to make us feel super surfing. Competitors arrive in vintage cars. Strange flex, but I’m ready to play the game.

Initiations, everyone is super good at surfing, it seems! I’m definitely not going to be able to keep all these people straight. There are so many! And they all look like surfers. And they all want to compete with the best in the world. Hope I will improve watching TV soon.

A famous guy arrives. I have no idea who he is.

Oh, it’s Jesse Palmer.

I still don’t know who he is. Someone fangirl. He explains everything about the competition. Two will win! Money and stuff. He’s doing something on ESPN, apparently. Its good. I feel like I don’t need to know who he is.

The excitement is… hard for me to understand!

I went to the Surf Ranch, and it was… not that exciting? But it’s cold. If you are on TV everything is more exciting.

Oh! A bottle! I’m so excited for the bottle to appear in the very first episode. Day, done!

Wait, is that like a message in a bottle?

Brianna from Hawaii, she doesn’t want to kiss anyone. She did not register for the Bachelor. She’s here to surf. Sorry, Breanna! You are on a reality TV show. You can’t make the rules.

Oh lucky Breanna! They don’t have to kiss! They will choose partners to help each other. The bottle of fate! I’m not sure it could be a thing in real life, but we are at the Surf Ranch where nothing is real.

Julie, her lipstick is very big, and she is a partner of Koa, who is very happy with everything. I don’t know how he maintains this level of exuberance. Her bun totally defies gravity.

OK, they’re all on the teams. It’s good. I am so there for catty Anastasia. She is now my favorite character.

Oh roommate drama! Breanna and Malia Ward share an Airstream trailer. So trendy! Apparently they hate each other. Breanna doesn’t like Malia’s energy. The vibrations are bad. Tia and Malia, not friends either! But Malia and Anastasia are besties. The plot, it’s so thick now!

I’ve never watched reality TV before now, and I feel like I’ve missed it so much. There is like a giant hole in my life, where reality TV should have been all this time. In the future, I feel like I have to change my habits.

I’m disappointed there weren’t any kisses. I was hoping there would be awkward kisses.

Malia, she’s not here to make friends. She is very competitive, just like her father, the best barrel rider in the world. She wants to win.


Kelly Slater appears on a screen. It’s strangely holographic.

Like, is it still real? Probably not, in fact. Don’t fall! This is the best tip for surfing the waves that I have ever heard in my life. I’m glad he won eleven world titles to uncover this vital truth. It’s even better that he chose to share it with the whole world.

Oooh, first challenge! Combined tours! We learn so much here about surfing. They must make several different turns, but also connected to each other. Complicated.

Observation of Turpel!

And real pro surf judges.

We learn how judges work. A ton of spray! Big turns! Connect with speed and style! Carves and snaps – these are the two things surfers will do on the wave. Snaps, so much riskier!

There is also a woman, who is probably also famous.

But I don’t know her, as usual.

Oh no. Not completion! Zeke is done! This is my least favorite commentary quirk from Turpel. The completion. Besides not watching reality TV, I don’t watch American football, so this might be my problem. Maybe the commentary and my whole life would make so much more sense if I did these things.

Kayla Durdan – my money will always be on me! It’s a good line, my daughter. Hope you can surf! Because apparently you have to do it now. Well, after the commercials. Network tv has some very exciting commercials, and there are plenty of them. Oh, Kayla. She is very relaxed and cold. Now is not the time to kick back and relax, Kayla! Judges don’t like it. Sorry, Kayla!

The surf cuts off very quickly. I can’t even tell who does what. I’m not sure it matters. There are a lot of falls, overall. I think the surf is mostly bad, actually. I’m not sure that matters either.

Luke Davis and Anastasia win! I feel like I should have said something smarter about surfing here, but it’s not that interesting.

Elimination time! There is going to be a surf-off and Luke Davis and Anastasia are going to pick a team to surf in the playoff round. Losers, go home! The pressure is completely overwhelming.

Now Malia and Anastasia are plotting. Anastasia wants to play the long game. She thinks hard and questions her early assumptions. Anastasia, so stressed out now! Malia is cunning. I wouldn’t want to ride a heat against her. Or, play reality TV. I’m sure a double cross is coming anyway, and there are going to be so many tears.

Moment of truth! The surf-off starts now. Zeke and Kayla are sent to the surf-off. And they can choose who they compete against. So they chose Malia and Austin Clouse because they had the lowest scores in the first round.

Austin’s father had cancer, he says. It’s very touching. He gave up his dreams of competing surfing in California and returned home to Florida. It was the end of his Championship Tour dreams. He will give everything he has. A classic Olympic moment, and it’s not even the Olympics.

Yes! The elimination round takes place at night. The winner stays, the loser goes! It’s so intense.

Kayla, it’s all on the line. She has better turns this time around. But oooh, shit, I got cut on the barrel. It sounds very tragic, actually.

Malia: Stone yourself, and get out! Very good self-talk. Malia is on her back hand. She rolls over! Then she fell at the turn of the final section.

What will the judges decide? You absolutely cannot script this.

Suspense. I can’t wait to know if Malia or Kayla wins! The female side is so catty and wonderful. Men, not so much! Perhaps they will improve as they familiarize themselves more closely.

Oh, Austin, got chopped up by the barrel. It’s very sad, just like Kayla.

Zeke, hit the lip line, what I thought was what Julie had on her face, but that’s apparently part of the wave. Zeke, land a tune! Omg, a real tune! Shit is getting real now.

Drama! Zeke walked through the door. He is the winner! He gets a 9.5. Malia, she survives! Anastasia is very relieved now. If Kayla had stayed, the revenge would surely have been hers. But now there is no chance of revenge, just sad goodbyes.

Kalya and Austin, we barely knew you! Bye!

And, we’re done. Until tomorrow, when we start all over again.

I have a feeling that tomorrow may be too early, actually. It’s so much to take in. The conspiracy ! The drama! Suspense! It seems that tomorrow there will be other challenges besides surfing. And also, corruption.

Hope there is more Kelly. I felt like all of this needed more from Kelly.

See you later!


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